Frustration
by 898700
Summary: There is a point on every family life when frustration seems to be the only thing the members share. Like dominoes, one pushes the next down yet they prevent each other from completely falling to ground level.
1. Part 1: Donatello

**Warnings:** None that I can think right now. Oh, yes, this has not been beta-ed at all. So, if somebody can help me with it, I will replace this with a revised version.

**Author note:** The turtles are young on this one, I haven't exactly defined their age, but we can make that between nine and twelve. Any comment is welcomed!

Part 1: _Donatello_

It was infuriating. I had been working on this project for almost a month now, although the last week couldn't really qualify as work at all. Dead end after dead end I faced, everything moving at a snail pace; maybe my patience is not as short as Raph's and Mikey's, but even I have a break point.

Giving my unlimited attention to the problem was the only way to find a solution, or at least that's what I hoped. Skipping house chores was easy enough, as I promised to take care of Raph's duties for the next two months while he was only covering me for a week. Of course, I didn't really believed he will be doing all of it, more probably botching and ditching some in order to make Leo come on his aid.

_Leo_. I sigh.

Usually, I find somewhat amusing Raph inferiority complex and his never ending taunts and complains regarding our older brother so-called 'perfection', but right now I agree wholeheartedly with every single thing he had ever said. Because, it's like this: Raph and Mikey understood how important this was for me; why couldn't Mr. Perfect just stop being such a prick, if only for this occasion?

But nooo, how could I ever think on skipping Ninjitsu practice, he said. And then he started this lecture on how important it was and how we needed to be constant and babble babble something I paid no attention because I was so mad everything looked red. There was no way I could convince Master Splinter if Leo was not on my side, I mean, he IS his favorite, isn't him? You had to be blind to not notice that; I should know: I was, all this years. But not any more, he just opened my eyes.

Of course, Master Splinter said no, then made Leo spar with me, if only to show how clumsy I was and how much I needed training. I stomped out of the dojo as soon as he dismissed us, eager to make up for the time I should had been devoting to my project. And then, Mikey decided to come humor me. I am not, I was not, mad at him; it is such an unusual occurrence, given our character. But he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Oh, and he just happened to break my project.

I lost it, utterly and completely, against my baby brother. I yelled, cursed and said a lot of obscure words I knew he had not even the remote idea what they mean. I throw bulbs, chips, wires and books, and he was really lucky because the hammer, screwdrivers and other tools were not at hand. Even then, he didn't comprehend it, and kept making fun of me. Just how much of an idiot could he be?

"Mikey, stop it".

Oh, great, look who's here! Mikey's personal mighty knight in shining armor. Just this time Raph is not the one about to strangle him. And then I realize the whole meaning of his words: he is here to rescue ME. Ha! It would be humorous if I weren't murderous.

"I can handle this", I say, stressing every word. We would be two brothers short once I'm done, but that doesn't seem that much of a loss right now. He looks me at the eye, and then blinks. I notice when he come to the conclusion that Mikey may need some rescuing after all. Good, someone at this place has brains at well. Not so good, I really need to vent some of my frustration by beating Mikey to a greenish purplish pulp.

"Is almost lunch time", he casually says, and why I'm not surprised he is right? My would be victim glances the wall clock, peeps and dashes out, wondering out loud what could he prepare in such a short time. My brain doesn't really registries when I throw the first hard object my hand could find, which happens to be the project I have been working at. No need to worry, really, as Leo catches it with ease and drops it softly on the bed.

"Your help was not needed", comes from my mouth, although it sounds more like a growl to me. Nonetheless, he understands either the words or the meaning, and gives me a small nod while starting to move out of my room.

"I know", he agrees, "but it was true". It's not the words which infuriate me, but the fact that he is always in control and that, no matter how hard we try, none of us would ever be as good as he was on Master Splinter eyes. I've never hated nothing or no one with the intensity that is now cursing thru my veins. The force of my hate should be scaring me but is not.

"Stay out of my life!" I scream, shutting the door with such force its echo reverberates all over the lair. The rest of the day moves on an agonizing pace, as I slowly cool off. My brain has refused to acknowledge its own existence, therefore no really advance came. And, thanks to Mikey, now I'm back to the point where I was nine days ago, if not beyond. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but did he have to butch the only part of it that I have no replacement for?

Somebody knocks my door, but I remain silent. I've yelled at Raph when he came to collect me for lunch, and then yelled again at Mikey when he tried to tell me about meal. It was dinner time and I was not that mad anymore; besides, it could be Master Splinter, and it really didn't seem such a great idea to yell at your Sensei. The door opens slowly, and the smell of fresh made pizza makes me realize how hungry I am.

"Donnie, can I come in?"

Leonardo. I say nothing, just look at him from my place on the floor. He choose to take this as a 'yes', coming in and leaving the tray on the floor, within my reach. Then he closes the door and sits in the floor, too; I feel the anger slowly blossom and prepare myself for whatever he has to say. He says nothing.

"Shouldn't you be training?" it is a question but I make it sound more as a reproach. It is not completely true, as his training hour should have ended about half an hour ago. But it is a valid question, says a nagging voice on my mind, he doesn't seem as tired as he usually is after it.

"I skipped practice today", he says, grabbing a slice of pizza and taking all the olives out of it. Raph likes dark olives; he always eats those that Leo would let aside. "I had other things to do". There is enough pizza for both of us, so I take some of it just to have something to do with my hands. So he can skip practice and I can't? But then, these are his extra lessons we are talking about, and nobody ever said they were mandatory.

"Like what, retrieving pizza?"

"Among other things". I follow his gaze to the tray, and discover a little napkin swan on the corner. There's only one member on this family that can make a piece of paper look sorrowful, and I can't really be mad with him any more. I pick up the little bird, just to discover it is heavier than it should. A small dark light bulb is stuffed inside, and all I can do is to look at it as if it were the most important object in the entire universe.

"Mikey says he is sorry" Leo says, and a little voice on the other side of the door says 'Sorry'. "That's number one hundred and twenty six", Leo adds, with a little smile I can help but return.

"But how …?" I trail, unsure of what I'm trying to ask.

"How did we know? Well, Mikey draw it for us". That makes sense; Mikey drawing skills are very accurate. "We remembered how thrilled you were when Master Splinter gave it to you".

"But people just don't drop things like this on their trash", I should know, have been looking for other since the first one came to my hands. "It is impossible to find one on the dump".

"It is possible" he gets up, picking up the tray and leaving on the desk a glass of cold plain milk, the way I like it. "You just need the right motivation to find it". He pops an olive on his mouth and opens the door, barely avoiding the green andorange blur that tackles me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Mikey whines and I can't do other thing than hug him back.

"One hundred and twenty nine" points Raph, while Leo hands him the discarded olives. They both laugh and leave us alone, but I'm not really paying attention to my baby brother any more, as one of Leo's arguments of early came back to me.

… _and Donnie, really, I don't think it is healthy at all. See, you have this tendency to block yourself when keeping just one idea at mind. A break from time in time is not really such a bad idea, is it? …_

"Mikey, do you want to watch a movie?"

No, it doesn't seem a bad idea anymore.


	2. Part 2: Michelangelo

**Warnings:** This has a depressed Mikey. Some may considerate this OOC, but it made sense to me, as different people react differently to frustration. And it had to be depression for Mikey, the same way it had to be anger for Donnie. Again, this has not been beta-ed, you can expect me to come back on the future and fix it.

**Author note:** I have narrowed their probable age; they are between eleven and twelve. I don't know why, my brain just say so. Any comment is welcomed!

Part 2: _Michelangelo_

"Have you seen my small screwdriver?"

"I don't have it."

"That's not what I asked."

I am on my room, on my bed, on my own. I have been on the same position for a while, thinking of nothing, or trying to think of nothing. The truth is, I always have my mind full. The other day Donnie said it works really fast but that I have very short retentive. Then I stared at him until he translated: if I were to face something new, he said, I would probably understand it pretty easily; that is, if enough attention were paid, which happens to be my problem.

Anyway, back to my mind being full, that's how I keep them on their toes, wondering which my next move will be. I always have so many ideas on my head, that paying attention to just one of them seems, I don't know, wrong.

"Mikey."

"I said I don't have it, Donnie."

"And I said that's not what I asked. Mikey, are you sick, or something? You've been acting a little weird lately."

That's it. I don't want him poking and probing on me, as if I were some of the stuff he works at. This family already believes I'm a little insane, if only; I've came to the conclusion that we all are.

"How does it look like?" I jump out of the bed with the goal to lead Donnie out of my room.

"The … what, the screwdriver?" he looks at me trying to determinate if I've lost whatever little brain I had. That's me, a whiz when it comes to changing the subject; he doesn't seem worried any more. "It looks like a screwdriver, what else?"

"Yeah, but how would you describe it? Is it big, small, orange, green, red, purple, blue, brown, yellow, pink, black, white, gray, magenta, tangerine, silver, golden, lime, cinnamon, navy, turquoise, aqua, baby blue, sky blue, royal blue, prune, violet, lilac, maroon? I can't remember any other color, wanna help?" I grin and he has this little smile; we are almost at the door.

"I already told you it was small. It has two principal parts, the one where you handle it and the one where you don't handle it; and is frequently used, as its name says, to screws something to something. You know, building and repairing, as opposed to destroying?"

"That's the problem with you," is out of my mouth and we stop moving, equally shocked.

"What, the building part?"

"No, the description part! None of you ever stop to see how things look like, it is always how you can use them!" it should surprise me the fact that I don't know what I'm talking about, but living with myself all this years have helped to get used to it. "You think of what you can build and Raph of how much damage he can do with it and Leo …"

"Leo tries to determinate if we can get hurt with it or if he would need it later to get us out of problems," he adds softly, pushing me back to my room.

"Or if any of us would need or like it," and I wonder how can I feel so sad and still don't know why. I'm on the bed again, hugging a pillow as if my life depended of it, while my brother tries to find the right thing to say. He is worried again; this is another chance to use one of my diversion tactics.

"Would you die for me?" Shit, that's definitely not what he needs to hear. He blinks, twice, and then one more time, before getting closer and giving me a hug. He is shaking a little, and I hate myself for this. He lets me go and nods while keeping eye contact. God, he is almost crying, but nothing short the end of the world could stop me now.

"And would you …" My voice breaks, and the next words are both a whisper and a sob. "Donnie, would you kill for me?"

Donnie is not an emotional guy, so it scares me a little how many emotions his face shows: surprise, remorse, sadness. Then I'm officially scared, as he settles on really pissed off. Last time he was like this, I tried to cheer him up, which only made things worse. But I've learned, you see? I'm not talking, not moving, and self preservation is the only reason I've not stopped breathing.

"It is Leo, isn't it? What the shell did he told you?" and this is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me, as his reaction was almost the same the day he was angry with me, when Leo got into the room and Donnie looked at him as if every single wrong thing on the universe was our brother's fault. "When was it, the night Master Splinter made you run with him?"

"Woa, woa, what are you, psychic?" But the joke has no effect at all; at least, not the desired. I can only think of one thing to chill him out. "You haven't answered my question."

"I have never really thought of that," he says after a really long pause, and his voice is calm again. "But I know that killing is not something on my to-do list, no matter the circumstances. I'm sorry, Mikey, but I don't think I would kill for you, any of you"

My smile tells him that I already knew which his answer would be, even before he knew it. I know an explanation is needed, if only to prevent him from breaking his vow and killing Leo, so I motion him to get into the bed with me. He does so, but sits with the wall for support; I do not complain, choosing instead to bury him with pillows and make myself comfortable on his lap. I don't need to look to know he's rolling his eyes.

"So, we can say you remember that Master Splinter punished me?" I start, and then rush before he can say a word. "It was not your fault, bro. I broke your … object, whatever it was. And it really wasn't that much of a punishment."

"You don't like running on the sewers, Mikey."

"No, I don't; but that was a good occasion to spend some time with Leo. Anyway, we had some chit-chat, small talk, nothing serious. He is basically a nice brother, Donnie, you can deny it."

"Sure, that's why you are so depressed right now," he retorts, and I ask him what's that depression thing. He gives me a little list of symptoms and yes, it seems I am depressed. Whatever, I'm not feeling that bad anymore.

"I don't think it was his fault," I finally say, and his snort lets me know he disagrees. Well, if he really wants to know … "I almost get us killed."

"WHAT?"

"Donnie, let me go." My voice sounds so small, I'm sure he didn't hear it. Why else would he keep that deadly grip on both my arms? "Donnie, please, you are hurting me."

"If this is your idea of a joke, Michelangelo, I have to say it is really farfetched." Whatever that means.

"It is not. A joke, I mean. We were returning, and I was trying to convince Leo to give me a little break, when somebody screamed." A shiver runs through my spine as I remember. "He told me to wait while he went up to investigate, but I didn't paid attention."

"Was he in trouble?"

"What, Leo? You are kidding, right?" We both chuckle, and it feels right, if only a little. "No, he had all covered. He didn't even had to fight, just told them the police was coming"

"Them?"

"Four guys, maybe five, and the girl they were attacking. It was then when I … shit, Donnie, I made a mistake." He squishes my shoulders, just a little, but it means a lot for me. "She saw me, Donnie. They didn't, only she, but it was enough. She screamed. God, I'm never gonna forget that scream"

"It's not your fault if people get scared with us, Mikey."

"That's not …" that's not what is bothering me, I try to say but can not. I guess it does bother me, after all. "Hell broke loose, Donnie. They came after us. I don't know how, but Leo managed to get the girl out of there; to the roof, I think."

"He left you alone?"

"I was coping, and he was back before I could blink. And just in time, too."

"What do you mean?" his voice sounds more than a little scared.

"There was this guy, you know? He had a gun." He hugs me again and do not let me go this time. Who he is trying to comfort, me or himself, I can't say. "Leo jumped out of nowhere, Donnie. He almost took that shot for me."

We spend some time in silence, I don't know how much, before he recovers his voice.

"But he didn't, Mikey, he is fine. You both are fine."

"Yes, but then he got mad." He asks _Leo?_ and I nod. "He kicked the shit out of that guy, so fast that I'm sure his brain didn't have the time to register it. And I don't think the other guys had ever run so fast on their lives."

"What happened to the one with the gun?" His voice is a little shaky, but I can't blame him.

"We left him unconscious, but breathing," I hurry to calm Donnie. "I checked, twice. But I think he's gonna spend lotsa time in bed."

"Master Splinter knows?" We both know he is really trying to ask why he didn't hear about this until now.

"I'm sure Leo told him, because he didn't make me go run the next night. I don't know why they didn't told you and Raph."

"Maybe they though you were not ready."

"Maybe. But, Donnie? That's not all." An uncomfortable silence follows, and I just have to break it. "We talked while we came back, and I made him two questions."

Come on, Donnie, you are the clever one.

"The ones you asked me?" I nod. "What did he said?"

"He didn't stopped to think, said _Yes_ to the first one, and hugged me." Donnie hugs me briefly here. "And he said _No_ to the second one, just as fast."

"So you think he wasn't surprised because he had think about this before."

"Yes. And he said something more. He said that he would kill for honor, and to defend what he though right, but only as a last resource." He makes no commentary, so I go on. "Then I got angry and asked him if he loved honor and rightness more than his family."

"Do you have a death wish? Geeesh, Mikey, it's a surprise you are still alive."

"Yeah, I know. Truth is, he wasn't mad, but sad. He made me a question." I mimicked Leo's voice, but it is not funny. "_Mikey, do you really want somebody to die because of you?_"

"Please tell me you kept your mouth shut." I repeat his words and he seems relieved, until he recognizes I'm joking. "Mikey, you didn't say yes, did you?"

"Man, give me some credit. No, I made a hypothetical question." I want to believe Donnie's stunned face is due to my use of the word _hypothetical_, but somehow I don't think that's the reason. "The question was, what if he needed to avenge my death."

"I really want to hit you."

"I really want to hit myself, too. But he just said" and I use Leo's voice again, "_Mikey, don't go there_"

"To the death, not the avenging." Is not a question, as we both know he is right. "As if he had also think about this, and pained him a lot?"

"Something like that." We are quiet again, and I never knew I could be silent so many times on just one day. "What are you thinking?"

"Uh? Oh, I am trying to picture what is going on in his mind. 'S not pretty," he recognizes.

"I know, I've been thinking of it for a while now. No wonder I'm depressed, huh? And now I got you depressed."

When he doesn't answer, I turn just to find him with a maniac grin that would make any loony crazy scientist proud. I usually am fast, but not this time, and before I could even think _tickle war_, he has me pinned down and laughing like mad. No problem, really, as in the end I manage to drop him off the bed, while a shower of pillows hits him with the force and consistence of a meteorite rain. God, I've missed myself so much. I'm still not good-old-Mikey but I'm almost there.

"We can solve this, baby brother, you'll see it."

I say nothing when he uses the nickname I hate so much. I just want to believe him, but something tells me it will not be easy. I don't want to worry Donnie, and want to stop worrying myself, if only for a while. Because I've been thinking of this more time than he has, I know something that Donnie does not. I know what the problem is, and it frustrates me.

Because Ninjitsu is changing my older brother. And I want him back.


	3. Part 3: Raphael

**Warnings:** No beta at all, anybody interested? Oh, and don't try too hard to find a plot at this point.

**Author note:** Just keep in mind than the Turtles are between eleven and twelve years old, because my muse says so. I don't know why, and just comply because when I do so it usually works.

Part 3: _Raphael_

_Choose a quiet place; sit in a comfortable position, with your back straight to prevent becoming sleepy. Close your eyes but not completely, and turn your attention to your breathing. Do it naturally, without intention to control. Become aware of the sensation. Concentrate on it and exclude everything else. You will feel tempted to follow thoughts as they arise, but you should resist and immediately return to the breath if your mind wanders. If you do it right you will experience a calm, spacious feeling in the mind; Master Splinter likes to say the practice of mindfulness is the practice of being alive._

* * *

When we were little, Master Splinter discovered it wasn't really wise to leave us alone if we were bored. Usually, Leo and Don managed to keep Mikey and me under control, if only by coercion, reverse psychology and childish blackmail. But when I say 'we were bored' I mean 'we' as in all four of us, not only that non-stop Tasmanian Devil in green disguise that tries to pass as my baby brother.

Boredom is something that never _ever_ Leo and Don should experience at the same time. It does not happen now, as Leo discovered meditation and Donnie discovered he enjoyed repairing stuff as much as Mikey enjoyed breaking it; but back then it happened about twice a year, and the problems that followed put on shame any riot we the younger pair could conjure.

It occurred only one of the times Master Splinter was out, and I'm sure he solemnly vowed never to let it happen again, as he spend the following days watching them with such intensity it scared all of us, as if they will disappear if he even blinked. It was then when we learned to read and, even as we all received the same attention, he seemed specially pleased by Leo and Don advances. We didn't know, but that was the first stage of his plan, just as introducing us to children books was the next.

Mikey and I weren't really far behind them on this new skill, but we didn't share their rapidly developing love for books; especially, as we discovered having somebody read a story for you was quite more enjoyable. I have never been one to freely recognize that Leo surpassed me on anything and this was no exception. Fortunately, Mikey was as hooked as I was, and it didn't take much persuasion on my part to get him begging at our brothers, puppy eyes and all, while he pulled them toward our bookcase.

Years latter we laughed while realizing that was Master Splinter devilish plan, to keep four unsuspecting little turtles occupied while he wasn't by our side. Donnie was the one that explained us the new words and gave additional facts picked somewhere else, but we liked it most when it was Leo's turn, as he was really good with the voices and had a knack to make the narration even more interesting. Mikey was more of an actor, and he usually had us laughing and rolling on the floor at one point or another.

I either played advocate's devil or kept myself quiet, trying to memorize every word, every image. I usually caught myself repeating certain parts of our favorite stories, low voice. _Sotto vocce_, Donnie said, and they named me our only approved echo, as Mikey thought it would be fun to repeat out loud every word they read. I acted with Mikey now and then, but most of the charm was caused by watching him being two or more characters at the same time. It is still behind my comprehension how he managed to simultaneously be the hero, the villain, their friends and family, any extra he could made up, some very convincing rocks, birds, trees and even the occasional castle.

* * *

___What do you mean with 'too fast'? Well, let's try this one more time. And slowly, yes. First, you should feel as if you were sitting at the center of the universe. Don't forget it: here you proclaim your sanity. This is serious, stop laughing. Raph! Okay, you don't sit just like that, but with some pride and dignity. Cross your legs, relax your shoulders and rest your arms on the thighs. Rest. Raph, you have done this many times, you know how to ... that's better. Now, I want you to imagine two forces, one that pulls you up while the other keeps you on the ground._

* * *

How many can say a child book change their life? Well, I can. The book's name was 'Fearless Jack' and it was quite typical if you only got the overall picture: there was a hero, _blah blah blah_, he won a battle between pretty-good and ugly-evil, _blah blah blah_, he married the princess and became the king. The first time we read it, Donnie said it was unhealthy to feel no fear, as it was a survival mechanism. Mikey decided it was cool for him, and took the book to look at the drawings again.

I found the whole idea rater enticing, and suddenly understood something about me that had been there all the time, but couldn't put in words: I _was_ Fearless Jack. We had always related to heroes, even when Leo tried to rationalize the villains, but this was different. This time I didn't want to take somebody's place and be part of the tale; I needed to be Fearless Jack on my own life. To some extent, it was already true.

That night found me on bed, sleepless and delighted. Conviction said that I had to read that book again, so I got up and went out of the room Mikey and I shared, just to found that it wasn't on the place it should be, on the bookcase at our brothers' bedroom. I didn't need to be a genius to realize that it would be at the same place my older brother was; which happened to be somewhere else, or so seemed to point his empty bed. Why would he do that? He didn't seem particularly interested on the story. In fact, he hadn't said a word after we ended reading it.

But there he was, on the living room's couch with the book on his lap. Just, he wasn't looking at it, but the wall in front of him or maybe beyond. The page were it was parted showed an image where Jack faced some random monster, but no matter how ugly and intimidating it looked, the hero's face was completely devoid of any emotion. With a startle, I realized that if he looked like any of us, it was Leo. Somehow that idea didn't make me jealous as usual, but instead felt really wrong.

"Do you believe Donnie is right?" he asked, out of the blue.

"About what, fear?" I said, trying to sound casual, as if this was the most normal thing to do. "No, I think it is cool to feel no fear".

He turned towards me while I seated by his side, taking the book from his hands.

"Of course you do, you are almost like Jack", he smiled. "But I was asking, if it has something to do with surviving; because if it is true, then I am the biggest survivor of the world".

I paused at this.

"You just said you are scared?" was the first thing I could say, still not believing what I had heard.

"Yep. Not always, but close". Okay, he obviously was trying to pull my leg, as he had never showed any signal of being a coward. I said him so.

"It is not about being a coward", he supplied "or at least I think so. It's more like, well, I'm scared about you".

"Me?"

"All of you. Donatello, Michelangelo, you. Master Splinter. Why is he scared when he leaves, or what if something happens to him and he doesn't come back, and what will happen with us then".

Did I tell we were very young when this happened? Even now, when I look back at that night, I wonder how a child Leo's age could ever think about such a concept. No wonder I failed to grasp the idea at all and instead decided to do things my way, which already was, felt insulted.

"Hey! So I'm toast?"

"Uh?"

"You said fear is necessary to survive and that I'm fearless". Wait, wasn't that what I wanted to be? "If what you said is true, then I'm dead meat!"

"I said you are _almost_ fearless", this obviously amused him a lot. "And, anyway, I think I have enough survivalism to share with you".

"I don't think that word exists", I snickered.

"Whatever", he rolled his eyes. "Do you want to hear the story again?"

"Would you read it just for me?"

"Well, if you bring our pillows and sheets, I might think about it". He didn't have to say that again, as I immediately ran toward our rooms, to retrieve the mentioned objects.

I didn't noticed that night, or the next nights, but Leo words changed me if only a little and very slowly. While we grew up, he perfected his cold façade and self collected demeanor, but he couldn't trick me as he did with our brothers. That defined our relationship, in two different ways. First, I knew that he wasn't as emotionless as he tried to appear, and that he envied me, if only a little. I used this on my advantage, which made things kind of strain between us.

Second, I understood him better than anybody else, with the possible exception of himself. Even when we were very much like oil and water, both in front of the others and in private, there were those times when he left all his defenses low in my presence. He told me about his fears, how he felt about this and that, and it surprised me how much he knew about each one of us. I still don't know why he chose me, but I like to believe this is how he keeps his promise, and shares his _survivalism_ with me.

* * *

___Tuck your chin slightly in and, softly, focus your gaze downward. Open your mouth, just a little. At this point you should be able to relate yourself to some key words. Comfort. Dignity. Confidence. You can change your posture a little if you need to. Now, the basis is to notice your breath. The breath is something that is constant; it will keep you focused and bring you back when you start to think; it will allow you to relate with the mind. Do not alter the breath at all, just notice it going out, and then notice a gap, a space, when breathing in._

* * *

There are some facts nobody can deny: night follows day, day follows night, snow is cold while rain is wet, the earth is round but we don't fall, certain kinds of light attracts certain kinds of flying bugs; and, during our childhood years, Mikey attracted nightmares. It was so bad that I told him it seemed as if every night monster in New York had a city map with an arrow that said 'Mikey is here'. Of course, it turned to be a not-really-bright idea, as he kept me wake up every single night for the next week. Sharing rooms sucked.

After I almost accidentally kill myself with a sponge, Master Splinter decided it was time to find a solution to Mikey's problem. Well, that's not completely true; he had been looking for a way to lessen his fears, but nothing seemed to work until he gave my baby brother a dream catcher. I found it extremely irrational and so did Donnie, but we decided to keep our mouths shut, which turned to be the best curse of action. Because, dude, it worked. I didn't know how or why and I really didn't care, as the only important thing was to get a whole night sleep.

It was just after some days of good sleep when Donnie started to wonder, meaning we had to hear him reciting random mythology facts. Fortunately, it turned to be pretty interesting, especially when Donnie skepticism and Mikey ingenuousness met. I remained impartial until the dolls subject. I mean, to hang some feathery object near your bed was one thing; to own a doll was the worst girlish thing you could ever think of. But Mikey, being Mikey, paid no attention, and made Donnie tell him every single bit about it, which really wasn't too much.

I am not implying my brother was … well, girly. In fact, his enthusiasm was kind of contagious and at the end I even found the concept somewhat appealing, although I never admitted that. The basic idea behind dream catchers is that they are some kind of web where bad dreams get stuck. Nightmare dolls, on the other hand, were used to represent a person, confusing evil spirits into harming the doll instead of the real person. You got to recognize that making your monsters look stupid was an enticing notion.

Mikey found some drawings and, needle in hand, made himself a nightmare doll, or so we believed. It wasn't until two weeks passed that we began to wonder why the shell did it took so much time. Then, one night after dinner, he put four tiny dolls on the table and told us to choose ours. I found obvious that the best looking one was the last he did, and concluded his skills improved dramatically, as proved the first one, a tortured-looking object. I took the poor little thing and throw it to Leo, who removed a strip of his bandana and tied it on the doll waist.

* * *

_Remember, this is not simple because we always have a lot of things in our mind. I want you to deal with them by simply notice that you are thinking, let them go and return to following the breath. So if you wonder about the rest of your life, label it thinking. If you wonder what we're going to have for lunch, simply label it thinking. There are no exceptions, no good or bad thoughts. If you're thinking how wonderful meditation is, then that is thinking. If you feel like killing the person next to you, it is still thinking. No matter what it is about, just come back to the breath._

* * *

A week ago we were alone, and I got him to admit the doll is always on his belt pouch; no real surprise there. But then I had a really hard time convincing myself to ask if it really worked. He said he though so, but that it was more of a reminder and inquired where was mine. Somewhere on my room, I told him; we both knew that indicate I couldn't find it in the middle of all the stuff Mikey and I kept there. The subject died to never arise again.

Ha! Who am I trying to cheat? He was on my back night and day, directly questioning when we were together, keeping an eye on me when somebody else was with us. He knew, as I did, that something was bothering me; but I've never liked asking for help, especially his. True, I understand the reasons behind his acts, but that does not mean I like them. He is always looking for the wrong side of any given situation, linking our current actions to future disastrous ones, deciding what we should or should not do. The fact that he is right most of the times only makes it worst.

I don't like it, so we fight a lot. Mikey does not like it either, but Leo discovered long ago he can easily side-track our younger brother, thus making him momentarily forget the disagreement and do whatever he was asked to. Donnie … well, he usually was by Leo's side, as he never did a thing he had to be scolded for. But lately, it seems as if he had had enough of Leo, and I don't know why. In fact, I don't know a thing about this family anymore. Take Mikey, for example; he had been quietly moping all around, and there's nothing I can do except wholeheartedly regret any single time I have desired him to be mute.

And Master Splinter? It is wrong to feel the way I do, but I can't help but believe something is really, really wrong, and it is his entire fault. Again, I don't how and I don't now why, and this seems to be a constant in my life but there is nothing I can do when I don't understand myself anymore. I don't know a thing but I don't care, I just want this to stop, and I have never been so scared in my whole life. Is like this all the time, I'm scared, and I'm scared because I'm scared; and, because I'm so scared I fear I will lose my mind and get stuck wherever I go when I'm this scared.

I can tell you when it happened first time, the exact moment, the place, what was I doing. But, even if my life depended on it as my mental sanity does, I cannot tell you why, as I don't know the reason. I just know everything was normal and, suddenly, there was nothing but fear. Pure, irrational fear, which could not be related to anything or anyone; just wave after wave of breathtaking fear. And the worst thing, it has never stopped. It slowed down and became somewhat bearable, but is still here, tickling on my mind. And now I'm completely fucked up, as right now my worst fear is to be scared.

* * *

___The most important thing is, do not try to stop your thinking. If something pops into your mind, let it come in and go out, it will not stay long. Those thoughts are the waves of your mind. If you don't bother the waves, they will gradually become calmer and calmer. And that's because nothing really comes from outside of your own mind ..._

* * *

"Raph?"

I open my eyes to found Leo on his knees, in front of me. He is looking directly into my eyes, searching for something, my sanity perhaps. I'm still shaking.

"Is always this bad?" he asks but really does not expect an answer. A gentle pull makes me realize he is holding my hands and my grip has to be hurting him. Reluctantly, I convince myself to let go. Mikey or Donnie would be hugging me by now, but Leo knows better. Instead, he moves to my right side, legs stretched in front of him, and gives me enough time to recover.

"I don't think meditation is helping you", he finally says.

"Do you have a better idea?" I ask, feeling the anger rise between the retreating fears. "And no, telling Master Splinter is not an option".

I can see how he swallows his own objections; I don't know if it is good or bad, the fact that he is accepting everything I say.

"I don't want to fight about that, Raph; he needs to know, we have already discussed it. But I'm not going to tell him, although I expect you to". I don't know if this is a concession or a sentence, but is more than I anticipated. "The only thing I can think of is, well … when you have an attack you can't think about your sitting position and all, so maybe we should stick to breathing. You said it helps you to focus, and brings you back, right?"

"Yes. But that only works when I'm actually having an attack. That's not what I want; I want them to stop!" I cover my face with the hands, to prevent him to notice I'm crying. Again, he gives me some time to compose myself.

"It will be helpful if we knew what causes them …"

"It is not my fault!" I yell at him, not believing he said that.

"And it's nice to have you back", he smirks, and I realize we haven't had a fight in days. "But what I was going to say is that, if we don't know the specifics, we should try a general approach".

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I think you should look for your nightmare doll; or, better, ask Mikey to make you a new one".

"You got to be kidding".

"Unfortunately, I am not", he admits.

"This is not the time for you to get all blue on me, _Leonardo_", I say. It may seem selfish, but right now I need the cold and detached prick, not the sensitive brother.

"I know that, _Raphael_", he smiles, and I can see some new determination on his eyes. "And you are going to owe me a lot, as I will have to trick both Donnie and Master Splinter in order to get a look at all the books that might help".

"My! I would never expect that from you, Saint Leo!"

"Fuck off, Raph".

"And now I'm sure this is a dream. There's no way you would let it slip twice a day".


End file.
